The Fire Service Warrior Significant Other

Editor?s Note: Nate Jamison started living the fire service dream in 2000 and is currently protecting the Jayhawks as a Lieutenant at Firehouse 5 in Lawrence, KS. He co-owns www.midwestfirefighter.com.

By: Nate Jamison

The phrase ?Behind every good man, stands a good woman,? or the modern day remix, ?Beside every good man or woman, stands a good partner,? holds true for many committed professionals, regardless of their trade. For the Fire Service Warrior it is critical.

Through the ups and downs of my relationship with my wife, we have established what is important in our lives. We have our struggles, although we feel pretty spoiled, and are constantly reminded of that fact. Depending on when and how the relationship was formed, it can be difficult to be married to a firefighter. The level of commitment required can potentially complicate the relationship. In the fire service, the word balance is commonly used to describe what I should be doing with my life and how I should control my priorities. I have always struggled with the use of this term because of its meaning and lack of direction. The intentions are good but fail to give the person receiving the advice a clear understanding. The definition of balance is about creating an even distribution. When I distribute my energy across several priorities I end up feeling unfulfilled because my level of performance for each becomes mediocre. This is when I shift my priorities and decide what is taking a hit. I can not let everything suffer so something has to be done differently. On a larger scale it comes down to the core values, or ethos, of my family.

Ethos; the distinguishing character, sentiment, moral nature, or guiding beliefs of a person, group, or institution

I have pride in knowing that the amount of energy given to my wife is greater than what is shared with the fire service. Most people will never get to see this. The understanding of this with a brotherhood-spin is explained by Brian Brush in ?Brotherhood Insurance: A Pay for What You Get Policy?. Think about Brian?s article, but in your relationship with your family.

A recent example happened when a chief officer from a surrounding department contacted me on February 13, 2012, and said that he was in a pinch and needed my help. He planned training for two different departments and needed me to instruct one for him. I looked at our family calendar and told him that I could do it. I gave him a hard time because it was scheduled for the night of Valentine?s Day. Even though my wife and I discussed plans I knew what her thoughts would be regarding this situation: Just another day, no big deal.

Now this situation is minor, but a good example of the mindset and understanding of my wife. She knows what the return will be. This doesn?t happen over night. The challenges of a passionate fire service life and home life are constantly evolving and vary in intensity, but the lessons for both of us are rooted in our ethos. The lessons we learn in each phase of our relationship are not wasted. Stephen Covey uses the metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account to understand and apply this concept:

?If you have a high balance in your Emotional Bank Account with a family member, then there?s a high level of trust. Communication is open and free. You can even make a mistake in the relationship, and the ?emotional reserves? will compensate for it.? -Covey, Stephen; (1997). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (p. 46)

?One of the biggest problems in many family cultures is the reactive tendency to continually make withdrawals instead of deposits.? -Covey, Stephen; (1997). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (p. 46)

A fictional scene in Steven Pressfield?s book, Gates of Fire has elicited more passionate feedback than any other for me. In this scene King Leonidas explains what criteria he employed to select the 300 warriors to die defending the pass.

? Leonidas picked the men he did, he explains, not for their warrior prowess as individuals or collectively. He could as easily have selected 300 others, or twenty groups of 300 others, and they all would have fought bravely and to the death. That was what Spartans were raised to do. Such an act was the apex, to them, of warrior honor. But the king didn?t pick his 300 champions for that quality. He picked them instead, he says, for the courage of their women. He chose these specific warriors for the strength of their wives and mothers to bear up under their loss.? -Pressfield, Steven; Coyne, Shawn (2011-03-14). The Warrior Ethos (p. 4)

In our civilian society we are not chosen, but our level of involvement or commitment is influenced by our significant other. It is influenced by how they carry the burden; how they understand and embrace the greater return as a whole. If the return was only our honor it would fail. If there was no return it would fail. This illustrates how some problems can lead to divorce.

The culture (ethos) in which we define our relationship can be compared to a culture (fire service) versus society (family) argument. In Steven Pressfield?s book The Warrior Ethos he explains the differences between warrior cultures embedded within warrior societies (Spartans, Romans, Macedonians, Persians, Mongols, Apache, Sioux, Masai, Samurai, and Pashtun) and warrior cultures embedded into civilian societies (United States). When warrior cultures are within civilian societies their values can be conflicting:

?Society prizes individual freedom. Each man and woman is at liberty to choose his or her own path, rise or fall, do whatever he or she wants, so long as it doesn?t impinge on the liberty of others. The warrior culture, on the other hand, values cohesion and obedience. The soldier or sailor is not free to do whatever he wants. He serves; he is bound to perform his duty.? -Pressfield, Steven; Coyne, Shawn (2011-03-14). The Warrior Ethos (p. 71).

?Selflessness is a virtue in a warrior culture. Civilian society gives lip service to this, while
acting as selfishly as it possibly can.? -Pressfield, Steven; Coyne, Shawn (2011-03-14). The Warrior Ethos (p. 72)

If our relationship is a warrior culture embedded into a civilian society we will have the same conflicts. Only the strongest relationships will have equal sweat in creating whatever utopia is envisioned for their family. Remember that in a warrior culture, punishment and achievement are not handed out individually, but shared by the group.

In Love and War by Jim and Sybil Stockdale is another powerful story of a family?s commitment and values. Jim Stockdale was a United States Navy fighter pilot shot down and taken prisoner during the Vietnam War. His wife, Sybil, fought on behalf of her husband and all other POWs during the eight years of his imprisonment. In the book it is obvious that Sybil Stockdale fully embraced and thrived on being a Navy wife long before his imprisonment. Throughout the early years of their marriage this strength was built on living their core family values and they gained experience in that lifestyle. Her explanation of her experiences throughout the book is intriguing because of her mentality. She often read The Navy Wife for guidance to her numerous thoughts: ?That?s how it is being married to someone in the Navy.? She sets the mood for how she dealt with the challenges to come:

??Jim was beside himself with frustration because the navy wouldn?t send him to the Korean War. I was astounded that he wanted to go. He even offered to pay his own way to California to board an aircraft carrier if they would let him go. ?You have to understand,? he insisted, ?fighting is my profession. When my country?s at war, I want to be a part of it. That?s what I?m trained to do.? -Stockdale, Jim and Sybil (1990). In Love and War (p. 50)

One afternoon while I was at the firehouse my wife texted me to see how the tour was going. I responded that it was busy and that we caught a small fire first-due. She replied how wonderful that was and how she was glad to hear that it was so busy. After I laughed out loud one of my brothers asked what was going on. I showed him the text thread. His astounded reply: ?You?re both sick!?

The above stories are on the extreme side to my life in comparison, but provide a great example of the impact our significant others have on our lives. It drives home the fact that our significant others are a large part of what we do.

Plus One

We are getting close to the delivery of our first-born child. We have no idea what to expect and can not imagine how this is will change our lives. This has obviously been a topic of discussion among other things. Often we hear about not being able to do the extra things, or at least do them easily. I know people would love to see me so overwhelmed with our first-born that I am unable to do ANY training, education, or physical fitness. They would love to see my motivation for the fire service diminish. The only explanation I can give is that it will justify the decisions they have made. The misunderstanding is in the comparison. Do what works for you and your family!

?If you really want to do something, you?ll find a way; if you don?t, you?ll find an excuse.? -Frank Banks

Just like everyone else, we will see what happens and what is important in my family?s life and core values. I hope you are doing the same. Sometimes you just have to follow the yellow brick road!

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